Fights fire with marshmallows
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Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠