figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
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Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.