@ScottLinnen: Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
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@daemonic3: [pharmacy] "I'd like a refill for this bottle of pills" PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof? "No thanks, I already believe in children"
@funnyordie: Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: The "walk of shame" should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
@TheWeirdWorld: We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.