@ScottLinnen: Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
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@murrman5: *comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
@retniw_nuf: I'm a really great friend - provided you don't have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
@causticbob: I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I'm foolish with money "He used our life savings to buy a tiger" YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN