Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
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#Caturday
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
just having fun
my mind
You just read my mind
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
my favorite genre of twitter
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!