this is me
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
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what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Helping a few people complete their bucket list so they will just die already.
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Mmmh, the wetness…don’t stop, harder, oh god yes, more fingers…I love the way you rub my head.
–me, getting a shampoo at the salon
When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
‘My train was late’ should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.