Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

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what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?


Helping a few people complete their bucket list so they will just die already.


[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife


*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.


Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12


Mmmh, the wetness…don’t stop, harder, oh god yes, more fingers…I love the way you rub my head.

–me, getting a shampoo at the salon


When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.


Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.


‘My train was late’ should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.