Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.