Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
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Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
j o i m p
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first