ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Okay, weigh me now
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Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here
“I’m sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she’ll understand it’s just for fun.”
Said a bunch of now single guys.
I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”