*files nails

Okay, weigh me now

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ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it


Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.


I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…


Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here


“I’m sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she’ll understand it’s just for fun.”

Said a bunch of now single guys.


I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.


My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes


[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave


me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:


Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”