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@patnspankme: (filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That's right.
@GreenishDuck: You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells "IT'S JUST A POTATO!"
@briangaar: Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I'm orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.
@Otter_News: If the earth IS flat then maybe dinosaurs live on the other side, and we keep digging up their dead and buried.
@captainkalvis: [looking at a criminal line up]
me: *gasps* holy shit
cop: what? do you recognize your wife's killer?
me: i have that same shirt [pressing intercom] #4 is that from Old Navy?
@SaraThomas84: If shame burned calories, I'd be back to my birth weight by now