(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
rich people when they have to pay taxes