(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon