Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
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When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“Do what you love & the money will follow.”
Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear.
And now, I wait…
Hey boy, are you a nap? because I wanna have you all the time.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best