[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
You Might Also Like
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
crochet youtube is brutal
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.