Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
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I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My beach vacation Google searches
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR