Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
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I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Generation gap…
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.