ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.
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1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2017 me: oh
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
*takes his temperature*
Woman: The bees are dying.
random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.