I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
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My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!