The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
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It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what