[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
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me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”