[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
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My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them