[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Kermit goes Blue.
Unexpected Judgment
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog