*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
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Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Guantanamo Bae
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still