*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

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I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad


[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute


Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list


me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time


5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”


Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?


“…and I would’ve won if it weren’t for you meddling minorities, women, gays, young people…” – Mitt Romney #ScoobyDooVillain


Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!


Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman


Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.


I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.