[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
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You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!