*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
You Might Also Like
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.