Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat