[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
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Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
*Inspirational Tweets*
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.