Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@BlindChow

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

@dafloydsta

Siri, what’s depression?

Siri: Here are your directions to Chuck E Cheese.

@Subtle_Red

You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.

@rogueMUGA

What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings

@Pappiness

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

@Darlainky

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

@robwhisman

if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them

@Cryptic1iam

Why is it called being a virgin?
Why not a Get-no-sexual?

@rickolantern

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.