@ericsshadow

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

You Might Also Like

@KalvinMacleod

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

@TheBoydP

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

@distracted_monk

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

@psybermonkey

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

@miilkkk

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

@leshnevsky

– Dad, why don’t we visit Greece to see pyramids?
– Son, why don’t we visit school to see your geography teacher?

@coolauntV

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

@MrJeremyHorn

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

@liv_thatsme

I’m having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don’t ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.