[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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you will never know the true number of layers
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.