Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
– Dad, why don’t we visit Greece to see pyramids?
– Son, why don’t we visit school to see your geography teacher?
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I’m having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don’t ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.