@iQuoteComedy

Final Destination 5″ …well someone doesn’t understand the meaning of “Final.”

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@samalmightysam

I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.

@thedadvocate01

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

@marinhubka

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

@envydatropic

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

@Marlebean

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

@stayfrea_

Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours

@LosLos__

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”