I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.
Final Destination 5″ …well someone doesn’t understand the meaning of “Final.”
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Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“I didn’t say anything.”