(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
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*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
wait.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.