Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.