Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
wtf management?!
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.