Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

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people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over


Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.


If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.


ME: I hate the Kentucky Derby. You get all dressed up and excited and the whole thing only lasts 15 seconds

WIFE: Oh is that right


[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]


Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.


You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you’re “banned for life” and “arrested”.


I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer
“Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank”


I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.