Finally, a gender identity that fits me

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kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*


HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine


Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor


Remember that infographic that went around a few weeks ago about animal attacks, and how some people thought they could fight a bear? No mate, no you can’t.


Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂


…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.


You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year


How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?


Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car