@Jun34u_sec

Finally, a gender identity that fits me

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

@clichedout

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

@thepunningman

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

@PeteMC666

Remember that infographic that went around a few weeks ago about animal attacks, and how some people thought they could fight a bear? No mate, no you can’t.

@molly7anne

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

@HousewifeOfHell

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

@ItsMeHelenMary

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

@EmergencyQB

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

@therepoguy

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.