I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
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You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is