kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Remember that infographic that went around a few weeks ago about animal attacks, and how some people thought they could fight a bear? No mate, no you can’t.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car