You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
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Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to