My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
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Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
My favorite restaurant review
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed