@PattyArquette

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

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@sixfootcandy

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

@Kids_kubed

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

@PaulyPeligroso

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

@cat_beltane

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

@molly7anne

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

@ObscureGent

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

@ObscureGent

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

@UnIxphysco

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed