911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off