“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
You Might Also Like
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!
Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.