@TheHyyyype

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

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@El_nacho_Nigre

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

@TeaAndCopy

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

@UnFitz

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

@MoneypennyNaked

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

@GrantTanaka

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

@Playing_Dad

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

@newLettuce

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

@awescar

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.