finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
North and South
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
ACED my prostate exam!
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
A great tip. #CakeRex
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone