Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
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At this point in my life, my biological clock isn’t so much ticking as it is knitting.
my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*