My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.
Not now, I’m binge watching the weather channel.