Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
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Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved