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@clindsaysway: *finally detangles ear buds
@ibid78: "You know why I pulled you over?"
"Does anyone know why anyone's pulled over?"
"Wow. You're free to go."
"Is anyone free?"
"Oh you're good."
@ch000ch: therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn't have married this snake aren't u
@WilliamAder: Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
@MommaUnfiltered: Dear Snapchat, I don't care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
@Reverend_Scott: [landlord walks in apartment]
"I told you no pets!"
That's a stray gerbil.
"And those fish??"
...stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM