*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
You Might Also Like
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
hmm conte-me mais
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it