[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
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At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch