Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
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Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
sin harder.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Not my job 😂
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
yes, those are my real potatoes.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.