ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
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me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves from a nest 60’ high on the second day of their little lives but ok son, I can transfer cash into your account so you can get an iced coffee.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
superman: wait is this wrong
What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?
Blue, you racists
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office