Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
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the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow