Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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I miss getting my misinformation from less places
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
i actually laughed 😩
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Finally, an instrument I can play!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Thursday
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Why font matters.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then