Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I am, perchance
That’s enough internet for the day
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
⚠️ Important Reminder:
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took