Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
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Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco