Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
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Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
She was rare, like a goth jogging
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.