Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.


I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.


Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.

She was not happy.


[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.


Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*


I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.


I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.


happy easter everybody! remember it’s not about the bunny but when scott stapp was nailed to that cross


[walks into bookstore]

Me: do you have any books on turtles?

Worker: Hard back?

Me: Yeah, with little heads.