Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents