@waydybee

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

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@TheDizzyBeauty

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

@3sunzzz

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

@gruffybeard

Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.

She was not happy.

@AdamBroud

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

@FeverFlave

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

@DothTheDoth

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

@breatheandlove

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

@ramenfuneral

happy easter everybody! remember it’s not about the bunny but when scott stapp was nailed to that cross

@Anon_imosity

[walks into bookstore]

Me: do you have any books on turtles?

Worker: Hard back?

Me: Yeah, with little heads.