@TheThomason

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

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@ramblinma

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

@Paxochka

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

@nickwiger

[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”

@bridger_w

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

@ozzyunc

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

@TragicAllyHere

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

@usermcuserface

I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.

@SwedishCanary

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

@sweetg35

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )