@TheThomason: Finally got the "Josh Duggar is good" neck tattoo I've wanted for years, now let me just read today's news as I take a large sip of water...
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@murrman5: well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school [from the back] "what about the other 65% of us?"
@titanmoon10: [ IDEA ] An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
@JVarsityCaptain: You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you're supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that's running just punkd you.
@capricecrane: I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.