Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
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maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”