@VerifiedDrunk

Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.

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@_jennatural

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

@I_am_carbs

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

@KatieBurnett

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

@Marlebean

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

@Rollinintheseat

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

@CindyMeakin

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

@beefman138

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

@fatherofcomedy

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

@Jake_Vig

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”