waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
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How much for the goth pool noodles?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Dietest Coke
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
apparently this year was written by stephen king
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.