Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.

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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?


people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description


Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate


I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.


I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.


I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.


What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?


Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.


[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?


I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.


Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”