Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
You Might Also Like
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.