Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

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So my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me


[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.


Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!


On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.


Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.


FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.


*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*


When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying


Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.