So my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.