my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
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It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today