@TheTimmyToes

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

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@Darlainky

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

@notshivi

The year is 2075.

A student asks how World War 3 began.

The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”

@WilliamAder

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

@aksorojas

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

@ericsshadow

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

@WriterLifeCo

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

@i_zzzzzz

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

@LurkAtHomeMom

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

@RxitWounds

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect