[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?


The year is 2075.

A student asks how World War 3 began.

The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”


Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.


“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it


This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone


Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!


My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water


No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.


Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect