[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
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me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me