@TheTimmyToes

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

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@GermanFreckles

*enter password*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*reset password*

*new password can’t be the same as old password*

@lmegordon

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

@msgwenl

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

@daemonic3

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

@JTQuest

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

@starwarsshirt

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

@thedad

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

@SuitableHolmes

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

@tacsanitchiban

Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?

Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.