[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

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*enter password*




*reset password*

*new password can’t be the same as old password*


I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.


We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.



So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?


Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.


I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.


[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
*rubble starts to move*


Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.


Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?

Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.