[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
You Might Also Like
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
*weighs self after shaving
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.