finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂