Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
You can’t rush stupid.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.