Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
You Might Also Like
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I have never related to anyone more.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Social Media and Real life
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.